7 Examples of Common Codependent Behaviors
By Traci Pedersen | February 9, 2024 | Medically Reviewed by Bethany Juby, PsyD
Behaviors, like conflict avoidance and a reduced sense of self, can indicate codependency. There are techniques that can help you develop healthier habits and relationships.
A healthy relationship is about establishing a balance between caring for others and oneself. When there’s an imbalance, codependency can arise as individuals excessively prioritize the other’s needs, neglecting their own well-being. This reliance on others for identity and acceptance can lead to poor boundaries and engaging in enabling behaviors.
Here are 7 signs of codependency in relationships and ways to overcome it.
Examples of codependency
1. Fear of rejection
A person with codependency may strongly fear rejection, leading to constant approval-seeking for self-validation. This fear manifests in people-pleasing or avoiding genuine expression of feelings. For instance, you might say yes to others even when you disagree, sacrificing your true self for approval. This fear-driven habit hinders relationships and personal growth, creating excessive dependence on others’ approval for safety.
2. Difficulty being alone
Individuals with codependency often have difficulty with being alone due to a deep-seated fear of abandonment and reliance on others for a sense of identity and self-worth. This might cause you to consistently seek out company or distractions to avoid being alone, fearing feelings of emptiness.
3. Enabling behavior
A person with codependency may engage in enabling behavior by inadvertently supporting or maintaining the harmful behaviors of a loved one.
For instance, if you have a partner with addiction, you might:
- cover up the partner’s mistakes
- provide financial support despite negative consequences
- rescue them from the repercussions of their actions
Enabling behavior, while well-intentioned, often prevents the loved one from facing the consequences of their actions and hinders their personal growth.
4. Avoidance of conflict
Individuals with codependency often avoid conflict to maintain a sense of harmony and avoid potential rejection. For example, you might avoid telling your partner or family member that you’re unhappy about something they did, worried it might cause problems. Trying to keep the peace might seem OK, but it can mean holding in your feelings and failing to address important problems.
5. Difficulty setting boundaries
Individuals with codependency may find it difficult to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others, leading to feelings of being overwhelmed or taken advantage of. For example, you might find it challenging to say no to additional work responsibilities, even when overwhelmed, for fear of disappointing others. This difficulty in setting boundaries can result in excessive self-sacrifice and a compromised sense of personal well-being.
6. Control issues
Individuals with codependency often experience difficulties with subtle control issues, seeking to covertly manage others or situations to alleviate their own anxieties. For instance, you may find yourself constantly checking your partner’s phone or dictating who they can spend time with. This intense need for control could stem from a fear that any loss of control might jeopardize the stability of your relationship.
7. Lack of personal identity
People experiencing codependency often lack a strong sense of self, frequently defining themselves through relationships. A small study reinforces this, revealing that individuals with codependency struggle to define themselves, behaving like ‘chameleons’ and experiencing a perceived lack of stability. These traits contribute to imbalances in different life areas. This can be particularly evident in relationships where adapting excessively to match others’ opinions and behaviors can lead to sacrificing one’s authenticity.
In a healthy relationship, there’s a balance between independence and interdependence. Individuals maintain their identities and boundaries while also fostering a supportive and mutually beneficial connection. In contrast, codependency can lead to emotional distress and significant challenges in connecting with others.
Here are a few ways to overcome codependency and develop healthier relationships:
Spend meaningful time alone
Spending time alone provides the opportunity to develop a stronger sense of self and cultivate a fulfilling, individual life outside of codependent dynamics. Engaging in hobbies, taking walks in nature, or pursuing individual interests are excellent ways to foster independence.
Develop positive coping skills
Positive coping skills, which are healthy ways to manage stress and emotions, play a crucial role in relationships. 2022 research indicates that codependency is linked to negative coping behaviors. Focus on cultivating positive coping mechanisms like mindfulness, exercise, or engaging in hobbies. These skills enhance emotional well-being and reduce reliance on unhealthy behaviors or relationships.
Establish clear and healthy boundaries in your relationships
Setting boundaries is crucial for individuals with codependency. One way to do this is by clearly communicating personal limits and expectations in relationships. Let’s say your friend often calls you late at night, disrupting your sleep. Instead of continuously accommodating this behavior, you can assert your boundaries respectfully:
“I love talking with you, but I really need to get some sleep. Can we schedule our talks during the day?”
Practice disagreeing
Recognize that meaningful disagreements aren’t relationship threats; they’re opportunities for respectful expression. When you feel the urge to share your opinion, go for it! Use “I” statements to convey feelings without blame. Suppose a close family member expresses a political opinion that you disagree with. Instead of simply agreeing, you can say something like:
“I appreciate hearing your perspective on [the political issue], and I see where you’re coming from. I have a slightly different take on it, though. In my opinion, [share your perspective]. What are your thoughts on that?”
This way, you express your disagreement respectfully, acknowledge their perspective, and invite further discussion without creating animosity.
Work on developing openness
According to a large study from 2016, the personality trait of ‘openness to experience’ was linked to stress reduction, effective coping, and resilience in wives of individuals with substance use disorders. For those dealing with codependency, enhancing self-awareness and openness to change is crucial. Consider engaging in activities that promote exploration, such as practicing daily gratitude and seeking diverse perspectives.
Build a support network
Building a social network is vital if you experience codependency. It helps break the pattern of relying solely on one person for emotional support. Consider calling up an old friend and start meeting for coffee each week, or join a new club to meet new people.
If you’re dealing with codependency, it’s important to identify the signs and actively work on overcoming these behaviors. Begin by dedicating meaningful time to yourself, establishing clear personal boundaries, and developing positive coping skills. Keep in mind that recognizing your needs and, if necessary, seeking professional support can pave the way for more satisfying, balanced relationships and overall personal well-being.