18 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

Realize that you have a choice

Though it may feel like an automatic behavior, you actually have a choice. Awareness is often the first step toward change.

Identify your priorities

Once you figure out what your priorities are and what types of people you want to be around, it becomes easier to say no to anything that doesn’t align with your life goals.

Set your boundaries

It may be helpful to think of boundaries as the outward expression of self-love. Once you know what you’re willing to do, communicate those needs with loving-kindness. Don’t be surprised if your relationships start to change and some connections fall away. Knowing this ahead of time can make it easier to hold the line.

“It will be scary at first to voice your true feelings because you’re so used to catering to other people and their feelings. However, those who love and support you will applaud your efforts to live an authentic life,” says Keischa Pruden, a licensed therapist in Ahoskie, North Carolina.

“Those who become defensive or angry more than likely are benefitting from your people-pleasing lifestyle and feel threatened by your newfound freedom,” she says.

“It may be time to evaluate and make changes to your support system,” Pruden adds.

Set a time limit

When you answer that call, let the other person know you’re on your way out the door. When you set up a date, let someone know you have to be home by a certain time. Time blocking is not only helpful for productivity, it also allows you a hard stop when assisting someone. Think of it like avoiding the “give an inch, take a mile” adage.

Consider whether you’re being manipulated

Take notice of anyone in your life who uses excessive flattery to convince you to complete a task. It could be disguised as a compliment when it’s really a way to pass off something they don’t want to do themselves.

Manipulators might tell you:

Create a mantra

An empowering mantra posted somewhere you can see it often — on the bathroom mirror, as a background image on your phone — can act as a mini pep talk throughout each day.

Say no with conviction

As a people-pleaser, it may be tempting to say “maybe” or “I don’t know” to an invitation, even though you know you’re not interested. Instead, cut yourself loose with an effective yet polite way to decline. If the idea of saying no outright seems a bit harsh, give these a try:

Ask for time

“Learn to say no by starting to delay the yes,” says Kinga Mnich, a social psychologist in Lexington, Kentucky. Mnich recommends trying the following responses:

Start small

You may find it helpful to role-play with a friend, family member, or therapist. Have them ask you questions to say no to. Play with different tones, phrases, and body language.

Practice successive approximation

Kaizen is a Japanese philosophy that means “continuous improvement.” It doesn’t matter if changes are big or small, as long as you’re moving in the right direction. Be encouraged. You’re not going to flip your script entirely overnight, but with incremental changes, you can give some leg room to your mental wellness.

Don’t apologize — if it’s not your fault

If you suggest a restaurant and your co-worker’s order comes up wrong, it may be tempting to say “I’m sorry” because you were the one who picked the restaurant, right? There’s another way.

Celebrate your progress

Overcoming people-pleasing is hard work. Many people wouldn’t be willing to do the work and get uncomfortable — but you’re doing it. Take time to celebrate your wins.

Keep a confidence file

Start a list in your phone of all the ways you’re learning how to stop being a people-pleaser. Each time you need a boost of confidence, refer to it.

Remind yourself that you can’t be everything to everyone

No matter what you do, someone is going to disapprove. You can’t win them all over. At the end of the day, there’s one opinion of you that matters more than the others: yours.

Seek professional support

“I highly suggest trauma therapy such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR),” says Amanda Conroy, a licensed professional counselor in Denver, Colorado.

“EMDR will help someone process trauma memories that have caused the need for people-pleasing and eliminate the fear, anxiety, and guilt that comes with asking for help or saying no to someone.”

You may be wondering, “Is being a people-pleaser bad?” Wanting to help people or make them feel good isn’t bad. Doing it constantly, at the expense of your own mental health, is a coping mechanism — and it’s not your fault. People-pleasing is usually a behavior learned in childhood (among other adaptive behaviors) that unconsciously gets brought into adulthood.

Authoritarian household

If your caregivers had high expectations of you and punished you for making even small mistakes, people-pleasing is a natural response.

Tiger parenting

If you were pressured to perform or pushed to a high level of success, you may have learned that this success equals love.

Childhood trauma

If you had to behave a certain way in order to stay safe (emotionally, physically, or otherwise), people-pleasing may have been an effective coping mechanism.

Modeling

If you saw people-pleasing behavior during childhood, you may have followed suit, even if you were conscious of the negative effects of doing so.

“Upbringing is a powerful antecedent to people-pleasing behavior,” says Pruden. “As children, we’re sponges. We take in all conscious and subconscious messages in our environment, positive or negative.”